


Guilt is a Rope That Wears Thin

by trashmouthtrash



Category: Keeper of the Lost Cities Series - Shannon Messenger
Genre: Angst, Child Abuse, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emphasis on hurt, Hurt Keefe Sencen, Hurt/Comfort, I'm bad at tagging. and titles. and summaries. and just writing altogether, Isolation, Keefe is depressed, Lord Cassius is a Grade A Abusive Asshole, Mind Break, Scooby Doo References, Sophie is angry, Team Foster-Keefe, and Fitz is just trying to help, he's a little shit but i love him, i just really love keefe, i'm probably forgetting things, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-22
Updated: 2017-11-22
Packaged: 2019-02-05 09:26:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12791616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trashmouthtrash/pseuds/trashmouthtrash
Summary: Dimitar refused to give Sophie the starstone because Keefe won; Sophie blames Keefe.The problem? Elvin minds don't handle guilt well.Trigger Warning, Keefe h/c, unbeta'd, barely edited. I only own the plot. Cheers!





	Guilt is a Rope That Wears Thin

“Come on Foster, I said I was sorry! I didn’t mean to mess things up, I was just trying to-“

“Trying to what, Keefe? Protect me? Because you keep changing the rules on me, following whatever harebrained plans you come up with without consulting me. You can’t keep going off and trying to be the hero!”

“I wasn’t trying to be the hero, I just wanted to protect you.”

“Yeah, well, all your “protection” cost me the starstone. Dimitar wouldn’t give it to me because of you and your ridiculous secret plans, and now I’m another step further from finding my parents. So, yeah, you were right, Keefe. You are fantastic – fantastic at making my life fifty times more difficult.” As she spewed the rage-filled words, tears were streaming from her face. Sophie had had high hopes for the meeting with the ogre king. When all her hopes had been shattered, her heartbroken thoughts had sought a scapegoat – and Keefe was sitting right in front of her.

“We don’t need you, Keefe. I don’t want to hear from you anymore.” Grasping Keefe’s bloodstained cape, Sophie stormed out of the room.

XXXX

Sophie’s words hurt more than Keefe cared to admit. As she left him alone with his thoughts, her insults swirled inside his guilt-ridden mind. 

“We don’t need you,” Sophie had screamed. She hadn’t seen the tears pooling in Keefe’s eyes.

Even if she had, Keefe knew it wouldn’t have changed anything. He wasn’t naive - Sophie had never needed him, not really. He was worthless; his father was right all along.

In the weeks following the incident, Keefe isolated himself. He didn’t talk to any of his friends, didn’t sit with them at lunch. It killed him, but it’s what Sophie wanted, and Keefe would do anything for Sophie.

His nightmares returned. He was jumpy. He didn’t eat. He was flunking his classes. But at least Sophie was happy.

XXXX

Fitz approached Sophie at her locker several weeks after the incident with Dimitar. The gang had all resumed classes at Foxfire, also juggling their Black Swan duties. Sophie hadn’t spoken to Keefe; it was easy to remain angry with him when she was still trying to make up for the setbacks he’d caused. Her friends, however, had begun noticing (and worrying about) the absent member of their group. Case in point: Fitz.

“You need to talk to Keefe.”

Fitz had barely uttered the words before Sophie spit a sharp reply: “No.”

“C’mon, Sophie, I know you’re really mad at him, but… I mean, have you seen him? He’s not doing well.”

Admittedly, that made Sophie pause. Just for a moment, she let Fitz’s words penetrate her angry defenses. She let go of her grudge for a second and felt only concern for her former friend. However, her walls were back in place just as quickly as they had faltered. Nothing could cause her to forget what Keefe had done. After all, he was the reason they hadn’t yet found Sophie’s parents, and in Sophie’s mind, that kind of injustice was unforgivable.

Okay, so… maybe it wasn’t completely his fault. Multiple missteps and delays had affected their quest. And to be fair, Keefe only did what he did to protect her. But the consequences of his brash decisions couldn’t be ignored – no matter how noble his intentions. Keefe had (unintentionally) caused a major setback in Sophie’s mission to find her parents, and Sophie wasn’t quite ready to forgive him. Even thinking about it brought forth tendrils of rage, wrapping around her mind and clouding her decisions.

“Look, Fitz, I’m sorry, but… I’m just not ready to talk to Keefe.” Her words conveyed a note of finality, and she briskly ended the conversation with a slam of her locker.

Fitz sighed as he watched Sophie’s form retreat. He was worried about his friends, for different reasons. All that rage couldn’t be healthy or helpful for Sophie. And Keefe, well… Fitz hadn’t heard a word from Keefe since “the incident,” which was concerning enough. But then he’d seen Keefe on the first day of school. The normally cocky teen was slouching and had dark bags beneath his eyes. He looked unhealthy, even. Fitz wasn’t exactly close to Keefe - he’d been hoping Sophie could help, she was better at these things. Evidently, that was a no-go; it was up to Fitz to figure out what was up with Keefe.

XXX

“Hey… Keefe?” Fitz was at said boy’s locker, fighting for the attention of the evidently sleep-deprived teen. “Hello? Anybody in there?”

Fitz thought for sure the blonde would appreciate Fitz’s attempt at humor; to the contrary, Keefe simply fixed him with a weary stare.

“What do you need, Fitz?” His words carried such heaviness that Fitz paused. Not only that, but Keefe had called him “Fitz.” No nicknames or jokes – Fitz frowned.

“Nothing, I just wanted to see how you’re doing. You know, we haven’t heard from you since…”

“Since “the incident,” when I screwed everything up? Yeah. I know all of you are mad at me, so what is it you need? Come to gloat? Sophie made it pretty clear that I’m no longer welcome.”

Keefe shut his locker and turned away, leaving a dumbstruck Fitz in his wake. “Wait! Keefe!” But the blonde had already disappeared in the halls.

Fitz knew only one thing. Something had gone down between Keefe and Sophie, something big, that she hadn’t told him about. And whatever it was, it was tearing his friends apart.

XXX

Fitz tried to keep an eye on Keefe, but it was difficult with so much going on. The Black Swan kept him busy, as did the accelerated courses at Foxfire. If he was being honest, Keefe had kind of slipped his mind in the weeks following their encounter. He really didn’t think of his friend much at all until two weeks later, when Biana brought it up.

“Fitz, have you noticed anything off about Keefe lately?” Biana’s tone seemed tentative, concerned. Fitz nodded.

“You mean besides him avoiding us like the plague and looking like he hasn’t slept in years?”

Biana exhaled shakily. “So I’m not the only one that’s noticed. I saw him earlier, and he looked really skinny, too.”

“Come to think of it, I never see him at lunch.” Biana nodded in agreement.

“He never sits with us anymore,” she added softly. “We’ve been so busy, I hadn’t even…”

“It’s not your fault, I wasn’t paying attention either. What matters is that we pay attention now, right?”

XXX

Of course, that plan might have worked better if they hadn’t been heading to the real Nightfall the next day. With Biana’s injuries and taking care of Sophie’s parents, worries over Keefe had been put on the back burner.

After everything had calmed down, Fitz realized he hadn’t interacted with Keefe in about a month. God, he was a terrible friend. Keefe probably thought they’d all forgotten about him.

XXX

Biana and Fitz cornered Keefe at lunch, just as he was sneaking off to wherever-he-hides-out-at-lunch. “Keefe! Can we talk to you?”

Keefe looked like that was the last thing he wanted to do, but he didn’t run off - although he eyed the door with longing. He turned to the Vacker siblings reluctantly, and Biana finally got a view of the blonde teen. 

Keefe’s face was gaunt, and his eyebags rivaled Sophie’s. No, forget that - Keefe looked like he didn’t know what sleep was. His eyes were tinged red and he looked skinny, too skinny. Keefe had always been lean, but in a muscular way; now, he looked like a gust of wind could knock him over. The teen was shaking slightly, his eyes looking both panicked and resigned at the same time. Biana fought the urge to gasp and hug the distressed boy before her.

“Keefe… are you okay? Really, you-you don’t look well.” Biana smiled comfortingly and reached to grasp his hand, but Keefe quickly retracted his hand like she’d tried to burn him. Biana frowned.

“No, I-I’m fine. Sorry, I’ll just leave you alone,” he mumbled, already turning to leave. Fitz grabbed his arm.

“Hey, hold on. We just want to help - you look like you haven’t slept in a month.”

“Two, actually. And I don’t need your help.”

XXXX

“Okay, so Keefe’s obviously not going to tell us anything.” Fitz sighed, frustrated and worried. Just when things were calming down, and their friend had been struggling, alone, for weeks. 

“But we know someone who’s with him all the time,” Biana said, thinking quickly as always. “Let’s talk to Ro, see if she knows what’s wrong.”

They found her outside the library. Seeing their questioning looks, she simply stated, “He’s in there, but elves are super touchy. I’m not allowed inside.”

Fitz got straight to the point. “Ro, is something wrong with Keefe?” Instantly, the princess’ expression darkened.

“Why do you need to know?”

“He doesn’t talk to us, ever, and he looks exhausted. I know something went down between him and Sophie, but neither of them will give me details.”

Ro sighed, before muttering, “He asked me not to tell anyone, so I gotta make this quick. Keefe’s been different since that whole thing with my dad. Sophie blamed him for pretty much everything that day, and told him you all didn’t need him. Said she didn’t want to see him.” Ro’s voice was dangerously low; Biana shivered. “He doesn’t talk to anyone. I haven’t heard him make one joke. I can’t get him to eat, and whenever he tries to sleep, he wakes himself up. Nightmares.”

Fitz was a whirlwind of emotions and questions. Concern for his friend, anger at himself for not noticing. How long had Keefe been suffering, alone?

“Why didn’t you tell us before?” Biana breathed.

“And why now? I know he didn’t want you to tell us, but since when are you required to listen to Keefe?”

“The last thing he needed was another betrayal. I’m the only one who’s talked to him in the past two months, and I wasn’t about to ruin the last of his trust. I’m only telling you now because I don’t know what to do. He’s pushing me away, too, and I don’t want him to hurt himself.”

XXXX

At first, Keefe had felt hurt. Offended, worthless, alone. Now, he just felt empty. Numb. He was a shell, fading away each day. Keefe drifted through the halls, weightless yet so, so heavy. It was all his fault. Everything bad that had happened - that was because of him. And Keefe couldn’t handle it.

XXXX

Sophie was in Elvin History when it happened. She was half-listening to Lady Dara’s droning lecture when there was a startling BANG. All heads turned toward the source of the noise; Sophie craned her neck trying to see around her classmates. Pushing past Jensi, she gasped.

Keefe was lying on the ground, white as a sheet and barely conscious.

“Keefe!” Sophie lunged toward her fallen friend, all grudges forgotten. Kneeling beside him, she felt for a pulse. Sophie didn’t realize she was holding her breath until she let it out after feeling a steady heartbeat. “Keefe, wake up.”

On further inspection, Keefe’s lips were moving. He was gasping and shaking his head as he muttered almost incoherently. Leaning closer, Sophie could just barely make out what he was saying.

“Sorry… didn’t mean to… Sophie… I’m sorry…” Sophie gasped; the amount of guilt Keefe was carrying around could shatter his fragile elvin mind. Suddenly, Fitz was by her side.

“Oh my- what happened?” Fitz asked, tumbling over his words.

Sophie gingerly brushed Keefe’s hair from his forehead. “I don’t know, he just dropped.” Then she transmitted to Fitz, He keeps saying my name and apologizing. Do you think he’s having a mind break?

Fitz’s eyes widened. I hope not. We should get him to Elwin.

Nodding, Sophie told Lady Dara that she and Fitz would assist Keefe to the infirmary. The poor woman just nodded and returned to her desk with shaky steps. Fitz lifted Keefe to his feet - he was way too light. Sophie and Fitz each took one of Keefe’s arms over their shoulders, and carefully began leading the trembling boy toward Elwin. 

Along the way, Keefe was shaking and muttering. Sophie couldn’t help but notice that he kept saying her name, followed by repeated apologies. Had she caused him to feel so guilty that he became sick? Was all of this her fault, just because she’d been upset over a stupid mistake? 

Don’t do that to yourself, Fitz transmitted. This isn’t your fault. Seeing Sophie’s confused look, he smiled weakly. It doesn’t take a Telepath or an Empath to tell that you’re blaming yourself.

Fitz shouldered the door open with a grunt. “Elwin!”

“Jeepers! What happened?” Elwin picked up Keefe and carried him to a bed. He began the standard examination procedures, demanding an explanation from Sophie or Fitz.

“It’s all my fault,” Sophie began quietly. Fitz tried to interrupt - probably to deny what she said - but Sophie put up a hand to silence him. “After everything with King Dimitar, I got really mad at him. I told him I didn’t need him and stopped talking to him. I’ve completely ignored him and isolated him since then, all because he made a stupid mistake!” 

Fitz grasped Sophie’s hand. “Keefe hasn’t been looking well for a while. He doesn’t sit with us at lunch or talk to any of us. He always looks super tired, and when I picked him up, he was light as a feather.”

“He passed out in Elvin History. By the time I got to him, he was on the floor, mumbling my name and saying sorry, over and over,” Sophie explained, choking back tears. Elwin nodded, in full-on doctor mode. 

“From what you’re saying, it sounds like a mind break. I’ll need you to check, though, Sophie. Other than that he’s severely malnourished and sleep-deprived. Hopefully it’s just all that catching up to him.”

Sophie nodded. “I’ll check.” Squeezing Fitz’s hand, she pushed into Keefe’s mind, only to find-

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Sophie wanted to cry. Her friend’s mind was broken, because of her.

She retreated from Keefe’s mind, meeting Fitz’s gaze fearfully. “Keefe’s mind is broken.” Fitz squeezed her hand, near tears himself. 

“Then we’ll fix it. You’re Sophie Foster, you can do anything.” Seeing Sophie’s disbelieving gaze, Fitz tilted her chin up to look at him. “Hey, don’t do that. Come on, I’ll boost you if you need me to. We’ll get him out of this; we owe him that much.”

Sophie took a deep breath. “Okay,” she sighed shakily. Swallowing hard, she gripped Fitz’s hand and delved into Keefe’s mind.

Sophie strained to push past the wall of Keefe’s broken consciousness. Distantly, she felt sweat beading on her upper lip. She squeezed Fitz’s hand. Can you give me a push? I think if I can just get past this wall-thing, I might be able to heal him.

Before she’d even finished her thought, Fitz’s power had surged into her mind and she’d shoved past the barrier in Keefe’s mind. Instantly, she was transported into Keefe’s thoughts and memories; except, they were like shards of glass, shattered and confuzzled into an enigma of nonsense. His mind was both blindingly bright and achingly dark, sizzling heat and stunning cold. All around were memories, but not just random memories. Pain-filled, agonizing thoughts, playing on a repeating loop in Keefe’s mind. That’s what it is, Sophie thought. He’s stuck in his painful memories. We have to convince him it isn’t real. 

Bracing herself, Sophie plunged into the first memory.

“Look, Dad!” A five-year-old Keefe was proudly waving a hand-colored picture in his father’s face. Lord Cassius was focused on his work, and was growing irritated at his son’s “antics.”

“Go away, Keefe, I’m busy,” he muttered. That hardly deterred the little boy, as Keefe then started jumping and waving his arms.

“Just look, real quick!” Keefe insisted. Lord Cassius, annoyed, snatched the picture and tore it in half. 

“Get out of my office, Keefe. I’m busy!”  
…

In the next memory, Keefe was slightly older, about seven. He was peering around the corner, anxiously watching his parents in the kitchen. The two were arguing over something and the fight was growing increasingly heated. The two began yelling, and Keefe put his hands over his ears.

Suddenly, a loud smack echoed in the room. Keefe’s eyes widened as his mother’s cheek grew red, and his father slowly lowered his hand. Keefe ran into the kitchen.

“Don’t hit mommy!” he cried, “shielding” her with his little seven-year-old body. Lord Cassius growled.

Grabbing Keefe’s hand, he dragged his son into the hall. “You need to shut your mouth. Stop eavesdropping, you little snitch, and stop interfering!” Keefe struggled against his father’s bruising grip; it was pointless, however, because Lord Cassius shoved his son into the hall closet and locked it. “You’ll stay in there until you learn some respect!”

“No! Daddy, please! Let me out!” Keefe’s voice was cracking with the strain of his tears. His hiccups and gasps lasted for hours; Lady Gisela didn’t let him out until Lucius was asleep.

…

Sophie gasped. She’d known Lord Cassius wasn’t the best father, but this… this was abuse. Are you seeing this? She transmitted to Fitz.

Fitz paused before responding. Yes.

I think we need to follow the memories until we get to the present. Then maybe we can communicate with him. Sophie thought. As much as she hated what Keefe had to go through, Sophie knew she’d do whatever it took to save him. 

Taking a deep breath, Sophie dove back into Keefe’s mind.

…

Keefe was now ten. He’d flunked a test, and was nervously waiting outside his father’s office. “Dad?” His voice shook; Lord Cassius didn’t take very kindly to failure.

“Come in, Keefe.”

“Um, I got my grades.” Keefe handed them over gingerly. He twisted his hands nervously as his father’s piercing gaze scrutinized the paper.

“What is this? You failed your Elvin History assessment.” Lord Cassius’ voice was eerily low. 

Keefe shivered. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, I just-”

“You just what, Keefe? This is unacceptable. I will not tolerate this behavior from my son. You should be better.” 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t study enough, I should’ve-”

“I DON’T WANT TO HEAR YOUR EXCUSES,” Lord Cassius roared, slapping Keefe across the face.

Keefe’s father had hit him. 

Keefe’s eyes widened; hiding his trembling hands, Keefe turned and fled from the room.

…

Keefe was twelve. He no longer addressed his parents as “mom” and “dad.” He spent most of his time drawing.

Keefe was sprawled across his bedroom floor, sketching. Suddenly, his door flew open, slamming against the wall with a BANG.

“Keefe, give me that.” Lord Cassius demanded, holding out his hand. 

“No.”

“Excuse me?”

“No.”

Lord Cassius tore the papers from Keefe’s grip, staring at them. “Why are you wasting your time on art? If you weren’t so worthless, you’d be using your time for real work. Maybe you’d actually get good grades for once,” he sneered.

Keefe’s eyes widened slightly, but he hid it well. “Those don’t belong to you.”

“Oh?” Lord Cassius ripped the pages into a flurry of ripped papers. He then looked to Keefe’s wall, eyeing the art there with distaste. He flew across the room in a rage, tearing Keefe’s work from the wall.

“No!” 

Lord Cassius took to destroying all of Keefe’s artwork, leaving the room a mess of ripped paper and spilled supplies. He stormed out angrily, leaving Keefe alone.

Keefe sat on his bedroom floor. He looked around his room with teary eyes, lamenting his lost work in silent grief.

…

In the final memory, Keefe was sixteen. It was “the incident” with King Dimitar.

Keefe watched Sophie walk away with glassy eyes. He went home and slept fitfully, tossing and turning.

Next was a flash forward through the following months. Like screenshots, Sophie saw Keefe gradually spiraling into despair.

Keefe watched Sophie and Fitz, laughing together at lunch, and turned away. Keefe sniffed as he walked away, eating lunch alone.

Ro joked with Keefe constantly, not even receiving a smile for her efforts. 

Soon, Keefe wouldn’t eat. Ro tried convincing him, but only managed to get him to swallow a few meager nibbles. Ro frowned; Keefe just stared distantly.

Keefe saw Sophie all the time, each time he turned away, the guilt slowly eating away at him. Sophie’s words echoed in his mind: “We don’t need you.”

Keefe wanted to see his friends so badly; every time, he forced himself to turn the other way. For Sophie.

Keefe tossed and turned every night; at most, he slept two to three hours, tortured by how badly he’d messed everything up.

Keefe’s hair fell flat and his eyes carried heavy, exhausted bags. He was always slightly dizzy and shaky; his cheeks were gaunt, and Ro was seriously worried about him.

In Lady Dara’s Elvin History class, he glanced at Sophie. God, he missed Sophie. Fitz, too. Suddenly, he remembered his father’s scolding tone and his piercing gaze as he expressed his disappointment in Keefe’s Elvin History grade. Keefe shivered, painful memories flooding through him, all telling him one thing: You mess everything up, Keefe. This is all your fault.

Then Keefe broke.

…

Sophie gasped, breathing heavily. Tears were streaming down her face. Her gaze was horrified as she locked eyes with Fitz; his expression mirrored hers.

“Let’s get him out of there.”

…

This time, when Sophie entered Keefe’s mind, she created a sort of avatar for herself. She walked among the memory shards, calling Keefe’s name.

“Keefe? Come talk to me.” she called. “I’m… I’m really sorry, Keefe. This was all my fault.”

That did it. Even with a broken mind, Keefe still insisted on being there for her. 

Keefe’s mind image appeared, sitting cross-legged. He was rocking back and forth, mumbling incoherently. It unnerved Sophie to see her friend so disheveled. He was thin, exhausted, and not completely there.

“Keefe?”

He tilted his head slightly in acknowledgement. Sophie took a step closer. “Keefe, I know you’re really hurting right now, but I need you to come back. We miss you.”

“... No, you don’t. You said you didn’t need me.” Keefe’s voice was weak and raspy; Sophie winced.

“I didn’t mean it, I promise. I was just upset. And I know you’ve gone through a lot, but I need you to help me. I’m gonna get you out of here.”

The response was quiet and tentative, but still there. “How?”

Sophie smiled weakly. “Let’s start by getting you up off the floor, yeah?” She held out her hand.

Keefe met her gaze with wide eyes, and reached out a shaky hand. Gently, she helped him to his feet. Sophie gasped. Keefe was so thin, he was nearly skeletal. “When’s the last time you ate?” 

Keefe recoiled. Sophie quickly backtracked. “No, nevermind, we’ll deal with that later. Okay, we’re in your mind right now. You had a mind break. I, uh, I’ve been through some of your memories.”

Keefe visibly shuddered. Sophie grabbed his hand.

“All I need is for you to want to come back, I’ll do the rest. But you have to actually want to get out of here, that’s what’s important. We can’t get back until you completely trust me and decide that you’re ready to go.”

Keefe nodded. He whispered, “It’s so much easier in here.”

Sophie nodded sadly, and squeezed his hand. “I know, you’ve had a lot of bad things happen. And I’m sure that hurts, a lot. But there’s so many good things you have to come back to.”

“Like what?” he sneered. “No one likes me.”

“That’s not true. You’ve got me, Fitz, Biana, Dex, and even Tam’s coming around. Plus, Silveny’s been devastated without you.”

There. Keefe smiled, just slightly. But that was still the first time he’d smiled in months.

“Will you come back with me? Will you give it one more try, for me?”

Keefe paused, staring down at his hands. “Okay.”

Sophie smiled. She grabbed Keefe’s hand, and squeezed Fitz’s hand. I need a boost for this.

Using all of her power, she connected with Fitz and Keefe and set to work fixing the Keefe’s shattered memories. Keefe cringed every so often, but with the three of them focusing, Keefe’s mind was healed.

“Okay, you ready? We’re gonna get out now,” Sophie said, locking eyes with Keefe. His eyes were still glassy, but they also shone with determination.

“Team Foster-Keefe is back.”

**Author's Note:**

> Title is a quote from Ayn Rand, characters belong to the wonderful Shannon Messenger. Plot is mine thanks.
> 
> This is actually one of my favorite works. The KOTLC fandom is smaller, but I absolutely love these characters!
> 
> Just saying... but the Scooby Doo reference was unintentional (due to a lack of cooperation from my brain), but I am not changing it.
> 
> Love you all, my lovely readers!


End file.
